Post by Nikudou Natsumi on Apr 7, 2015 19:21:22 GMT
Okay, so this short story was made for a workshop in my Creative Writing class near the beginning of the semester (it's heavily based off of Magic Kaito, heh heh). I need a lot of constructive criticism with it. Please tell me how I can make it better! Onegaishimasu! *bows*
She moved deeper into the darkness, glancing at the object hidden between the folds of her clothing as she ran toward her hideout. Despite the search the police were conducting, it would be worth it. It had to be. This was the second to last ingredient for the machine her organization was working on. The machine was powered by different types of rocks, precious jewels being the main source of energy. It was being made as a top secret weapon, one that Nyx herself barely even knew about, against the biggest crime syndicate in Fillian, the crime syndicate that controlled all the others in the country, the crime syndicate that demolished her entire family . . . She shook her head and focused solely on running. Running and not being found by the police.
The sound of flapping wings suddenly filled her ears, and Nyx grinned like a cat. A pitch black dove flew up from behind her and matched her speed. “Alright Kaitou,” she said, “you see those people back there? Do whatever you can to distract them. I don’t care what, as long as you don’t endanger anyone’s life, including yours, alright?” Kaitou trilled and flew back.
As soon as the dove was out of sight, Nyx jumped into a hole in the ground that was hidden amongst a mix of old items that people no longer wanted, but weren’t damaged enough to be thrown out. She hit the ground running and soon entered a small, nearly bare room. A room that now had five burly men standing in it, facing her.
“Ohhh shoot!” Nyx exclaimed slowly.
“Gladly,” the leader of the five replied as he pointed his gun at her.
“Wait wait wait!” she replied, waving her hands in front of her and, while doing so, switching out the object she had in her pocket with a nearly perfect replica. “You want the jewel, yes? Because none of you have the physical or mental means of getting it yourself?”
The leader growled at her. “Give it.”
Nyx bowed eloquently and said, “Repeating your own words: gladly.” She grabbed the fake emerald in her pocket, which promptly disintegrated at her touch. “Drat,” she whispered harshly. “I thought I replaced those with the other fakes.” But she had forgotten to take the gems from her last heist out - the ones designed to fall apart after being touched a certain number of times as a distraction. She stood up from her bow and said, “Unfortunately, I seem to have lost it on the way here.”
“Yeah, right,” one of the men replied gruffly.
“Of course, if you guys want to go out there and see if the police haven’t found it yet, you’re more than welcome to. If you’re capable of doing that, that is.”
“You little . . .” The leader managed to control his anger. Then he said to the other four, “Capture her! She probably still has it on her! Kill her if you have to!”
“Oops, I guess that was a little too much . . .” Nyx muttered as a wall of flesh came hurtling toward her. “Bye!” She ran off to a side passage to try and lose them. However, her underground hideout wasn’t designed to be very big, and the five men soon cornered her between them and the wall. She glanced down to her left, where there was a secret passage near her feet, a covered hole in the wall. Unfortunately, one of the men was blocking the way to it.
Nyx gulped. These were the people who killed her family. The ones who led them into a building rigged to blow just because one of the family friends had escaped them and might have told them about the organization. These were professional killers, easily able to kill someone and make the police deduce it to be an accident. They had connections everywhere, and it was extremely difficult to bring even one branch of them down, much less the entire organization. Even one person was difficult to track down. In other words: she was doomed.
Just then, chaos erupted around them in the form of an exploding mass of black feathers attacking the intruders. “Kaitou!” Nyx cried, silently thanking the dove. During the confusion, she slipped away into the secret passage, and Kaitou followed. When the men recovered, all they found were a few scattered feathers, with no sign of where their prisoner had gone.
“Booyah!” Nyx exclaimed as she sat in a rolling chair in front of a desktop computer. She high-fived Kaitou’s foot, and the dove obediently landed on her shoulder. Off to the side, on the desk the monitor was on, was a small basket filled with various gems and stones, ranging from very valuable to common, everyday rocks. On the computer screen was a list of images showing different jewels and their names, as well as the blueprint for the secret weapon.
“All we need now is the staurolite,” she said. “What do ya say, Kaitou? Ready to give those guys some payback?” The black dove cooed in response.
One More Night, One More Jewel
Nyx gasped for air as she ran along the dark alleys of Cyrin that she knew like the back of her hand. Hidden in the shadows of the bright lights and sounds, her outfit blended in perfectly. In the distance were shouts of anger and flashlight beams piercing her source of cover. “Che.”She moved deeper into the darkness, glancing at the object hidden between the folds of her clothing as she ran toward her hideout. Despite the search the police were conducting, it would be worth it. It had to be. This was the second to last ingredient for the machine her organization was working on. The machine was powered by different types of rocks, precious jewels being the main source of energy. It was being made as a top secret weapon, one that Nyx herself barely even knew about, against the biggest crime syndicate in Fillian, the crime syndicate that controlled all the others in the country, the crime syndicate that demolished her entire family . . . She shook her head and focused solely on running. Running and not being found by the police.
The sound of flapping wings suddenly filled her ears, and Nyx grinned like a cat. A pitch black dove flew up from behind her and matched her speed. “Alright Kaitou,” she said, “you see those people back there? Do whatever you can to distract them. I don’t care what, as long as you don’t endanger anyone’s life, including yours, alright?” Kaitou trilled and flew back.
As soon as the dove was out of sight, Nyx jumped into a hole in the ground that was hidden amongst a mix of old items that people no longer wanted, but weren’t damaged enough to be thrown out. She hit the ground running and soon entered a small, nearly bare room. A room that now had five burly men standing in it, facing her.
“Ohhh shoot!” Nyx exclaimed slowly.
“Gladly,” the leader of the five replied as he pointed his gun at her.
“Wait wait wait!” she replied, waving her hands in front of her and, while doing so, switching out the object she had in her pocket with a nearly perfect replica. “You want the jewel, yes? Because none of you have the physical or mental means of getting it yourself?”
The leader growled at her. “Give it.”
Nyx bowed eloquently and said, “Repeating your own words: gladly.” She grabbed the fake emerald in her pocket, which promptly disintegrated at her touch. “Drat,” she whispered harshly. “I thought I replaced those with the other fakes.” But she had forgotten to take the gems from her last heist out - the ones designed to fall apart after being touched a certain number of times as a distraction. She stood up from her bow and said, “Unfortunately, I seem to have lost it on the way here.”
“Yeah, right,” one of the men replied gruffly.
“Of course, if you guys want to go out there and see if the police haven’t found it yet, you’re more than welcome to. If you’re capable of doing that, that is.”
“You little . . .” The leader managed to control his anger. Then he said to the other four, “Capture her! She probably still has it on her! Kill her if you have to!”
“Oops, I guess that was a little too much . . .” Nyx muttered as a wall of flesh came hurtling toward her. “Bye!” She ran off to a side passage to try and lose them. However, her underground hideout wasn’t designed to be very big, and the five men soon cornered her between them and the wall. She glanced down to her left, where there was a secret passage near her feet, a covered hole in the wall. Unfortunately, one of the men was blocking the way to it.
Nyx gulped. These were the people who killed her family. The ones who led them into a building rigged to blow just because one of the family friends had escaped them and might have told them about the organization. These were professional killers, easily able to kill someone and make the police deduce it to be an accident. They had connections everywhere, and it was extremely difficult to bring even one branch of them down, much less the entire organization. Even one person was difficult to track down. In other words: she was doomed.
Just then, chaos erupted around them in the form of an exploding mass of black feathers attacking the intruders. “Kaitou!” Nyx cried, silently thanking the dove. During the confusion, she slipped away into the secret passage, and Kaitou followed. When the men recovered, all they found were a few scattered feathers, with no sign of where their prisoner had gone.
“Booyah!” Nyx exclaimed as she sat in a rolling chair in front of a desktop computer. She high-fived Kaitou’s foot, and the dove obediently landed on her shoulder. Off to the side, on the desk the monitor was on, was a small basket filled with various gems and stones, ranging from very valuable to common, everyday rocks. On the computer screen was a list of images showing different jewels and their names, as well as the blueprint for the secret weapon.
“All we need now is the staurolite,” she said. “What do ya say, Kaitou? Ready to give those guys some payback?” The black dove cooed in response.